All My Trials

Sometimes God gives us things and says to us, “Here, hold this!” It might be something that we did not ask for, but never-the-less, we are left holding it. It is hard when these difficult moments in life arise in our lives. We might be left thinking, “OK, I didn’t ask for this, so why do I have to deal with this?” Have you ever thought that the reason you are left holding whatever you are holding is because God trusts you enough to hold onto it and not lose it to the devil? Or that maybe He is trying to build you up in certain areas of your life? It’s like when you have children, you hand the greatest responsibility to the one you know can handle that particular responsibility. Sometimes they might even ask, “Why did you make me hold this?” A number of times with my girls, I am not trying to make them do it because I am lazy, but there is something in them that I want to pull out or I know they will make the best use of it. Sometimes, I make them go through certain things because I see that they are lacking in certain skills.

God allows certain trials in our lives so that God and His will might be magnified. 

Recently, I have been going through some difficult situations in my life and believe me, I do not like it! I have prayed and asked God to remove it, but I believe that He is saying to me, “My grace is sufficient...” (2 Corinthians 12:9) It is rather difficult to be in a situation waiting on God to reveal himself, all to start to understand that this is not going anywhere and I must learn to bear it and trust Him to see me through. I have cried and screamed, but God has determined that it is not His will to lift the trial just yet. I was just thinking the other day, “If God is allowing me to go through this in order to magnify His name, I am honored, but I don’t like it!” It could be that there is someone who will one day be going through the exact same thing and I might be able to help them through it. It’s tough being about the Father’s business! He expects a lot out of us, but in the end we will reap great rewards! I praise God for seeing me as worthy to take on this challenge and I praise Him that through me others might see Jesus. 

Peanut Butter to Keep my Mouth Closed

I am sure that we have all heard it said, “If you don’t have anything good to say, just don’t say anything at all!”  Well, some kids have got this skill down pat. As a teacher, I see so many funny things on a daily basis. I always enlighten my students with this “strange” saying. They never truly understand why, until their feelings are hurt by a “matter of fact” speaking child. (As if it is another language)

One day, we were having snack and a discussion arose among a few students concerning Jesus and death. One student said that she didn’t believe in Jesus, because she didn’t really believe the whole “rose from the dead” story. She said that she did believe in God, though, but “I’m not quite understanding the Jesus thing!” I was rather intrigued by the conversation as I sat at my desk pretending to work on some papers, all the while listening to these little people discussing the perils of life. Another student said, “WHAT?” She said, “Yeah, I think I must be a Jew!” (#blankstare) The other students were trying to be nice, but one of my rather outspoken students told her, “That doesn’t make any sense! How can you believe in God without believing in Jesus?” She said, “Well, I don’t go to church anyway, but I do celebrate Christmas!” My outspoken student, looking rather annoyed and completely unbelieving what he was hearing just stuffed about three to four spoonfuls of peanut butter in his mouth and just looked away sort of shaking his head. Everyone in the group was waiting to see what he would have to say to that. I even stopped pretending to work to hear what he would have to say. And what did he say? Nothing! He said absolutely nothing! The conversation then took a sudden turn in a direction that was not of interest to neither him nor me.

Later that day, when he and I had a moment alone, I asked him why he didn’t say anything to her revelation. He said, “Mrs. Terrell what she said was so stupid! I mean, Mrs. Terrell, common sense tells you that you can’t believe God and not believe in His son! I didn’t want to embarrass her and my mama told me if I didn't have anything good to say, to keep my mouth closed. So, I learned to stick something in my mouth, so I wouldn’t get in trouble. The only thing that I had today was peanut butter and it worked better that anything that I have ever used to make me keep my mouth shut! I nearly got choked, but it worked, so I think I will be using peanut butter from now on to help me to keep my mouth shut!” I was laughing so hard at him I couldn’t breathe!

He doesn’t know what his words said to me that day! He taught me, his teacher, a valuable lesson! If I have nothing good to say, try peanut butter, it’ll keep my mouth closed!

The Package

When Antwan and I got married I was pregnant. We had simply gotten the cart before the horse as my godfather said. We got married in January of 1998 and in March we had a son who was born weeks too early. When he was born, I just knew that God was going to heal his body and he would be OK? I had been taught that if I prayed and asked God anything that He would do, because the Bible says, in John 14:13-14 ¹³ And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.¹⁴ If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it. And I prayed ya’ll, I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before. I really did not have a thought that God had other ideas about what to do with this little angel that He had given to me. He was born early one Monday morning around 9:00 AM. They immediately rushed him to NICU where they stabilized him. We were told that he was really small and that babies that small usually don’t make it, but I didn’t have any doubt in my mind that God would come through for me, after all, I was His baby girl, Tangelia. We were allowed to see him at about 10:00 AM and sure enough, he was very small, but for some reason, I did not worry. I rested for most of the afternoon as I continued to get updates about his progress and Antwan went down to the NICU and stayed with him there. Later that day, they brought him to me and he died in my arms.

My time in God’s waiting room starts here. I was in so much pain, I couldn't think straight. I wanted to die. I was so angry with God. I just couldn't understand why He had not answered my prayer. I just couldn't understand why He had given us something so precious, just to snatch it back and taunt us. This God that professed to love me just couldn’t love me, if He did something like this. I wondered if my sin had taken my child away. I wondered if it was something that I had done that had taken my child away. This just could not be right!

Ah, the waiting room of bereavement. When would this pain end? My pain turned into an obsession with getting pregnant again. I couldn’t be around babies without crying. My heart hurt so badly. I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to die!

 But God in His infinite wisdom knew what He was doing. He knew that I needed this to strengthen me, to fortify me. I hated the process with all of my being. But my God knew that this was the only way that He was going to get my attention. He wanted me and all of me. I was only giving Him Sundays and Wednesday nights.
He had continued to send me little letters, but I was not opening my mail. God decided to send me a package that I could not ignore. This package was extremely difficult to carry and hard to open, but once it was opened, it couldn’t be resealed. I had to accept what was inside and use it to benefit my life. It took me some time, but I finally came to terms with what had happened in my life. I decided that I could continue to wallow in my misery or I could use it to glorify God and His goodness. As I made a feeble attempt to study His word for the first time in a year and apply it to my life I could see things slowly start to shift.

Today and every day, I praise him for that precious little package He sent to Antwan and me 15 years ago. That package is still a part of my life every day. That package changed me for the better. It caused me to grow and to learn to lean and depend on God for all of my needs. I learned to center my life on prayer and thanksgiving to God our Father. I am who I am this day because of the package that left too soon. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be buffeted for the sake of your Kingdom. I praise you for your wisdom and I magnify your name! Because of who you are I give you glory!