He Had to Break me to Build Me

I have told the story many times of losing a baby boy. And I don’t tell the story for pity or for “I’m sorry.” I tell the story because this is the point in my life that caused me to look up and allow God to use me for His glory! This is the part of my life that saved me from sure destruction. I can’t praise God, without allowing myself to think back to the day that my life changed forever thus creating in me a faith that is now unbreakable!

 

There was a time in life when I thought that it was all about the friends, hanging out, partying and having a good time. I was in church every Sunday and Wednesday, faithfully, but there was no substance in my shout. I went only because I knew that was what I was supposed to do. I was doing what my step mother used to call, “playing church.”  I thought I was getting by with my sin, yet, I knew full well that all that I was doing was against God’s will.

Then one day, I found out that I was pregnant out of wedlock. I was devastated and afraid. “How could this happen to me?” I felt like I was caught in my sin! I was embarrassed, and I no longer wanted to go to church, but I went.

My then boyfriend (Antwan Terrell) and I got married and we knew that we were in for a rude awakening, but we were in it for the long haul. We didn't want the baby to grow up without having both of us in the household.

Approximately one and a half month after we were married, I suddenly went into labor, had a son and he passed away 7 1/2 hours after his birth. What a heartbreaking day that was! What a anesthetizing feeling it was to have to plan the funeral of my newborn son! What an unrealistic scene I was experiencing as I sat at the graveside and watched them lower his little wooden box into the ground. “My precious baby!” was all I could mutter! I was not ready for the pain that would ensue the days and months following his death! I was not ready for the heartache that felt as if it would rip my heart out and tear my soul asunder! I was not ready for the sleepless nights that caused me to relive every moment of his birth and burial!

 “God had done this to me!”

“What kind of God could give me something so precious only to snatch it away?”

I was broken!

For a year, I cried at the drop of a hat! I could not see a baby without crying! I avoided the baby section in the store altogether! I was delirious with anger! I felt like life was sucking the air out of me!

I finally got tired of just feeling the pain after a good laugh with a friend one day! I couldn't believe that it felt so good to laugh! I said to myself, “Either you’re going to learn to “laugh” through it or die in it!” I decided to “LAUGH” THROUGH IT! I started going to ladies ministry events! I started visiting friends, again! I made an effort to do fun things!  I LAUGHED, AGAIN and AGAIN! (and I laughed loudly and I continue to laugh loudly)

I began to go to every women’s event I could! I learned so much and I loved so much! My sisters in Christ became my family! During this time a bond was developed! I started to study the word hard and apply it and I started to understand how it applied to my life! I started to not only teach at work, but I started to teach the women’s classes! This was a BIG step for me! I fell in love with teaching the women and dealing with our issues. It brought and it brings such comfort! I love to see the women of the church thirsting after righteousness! I love to help us to get through whatever it is we are dealing with!

Believe it or not, it has been 20 years TODAY and there is still a part of my heart that is missing! But, as I said in my last post, “God Answered, NO!” I praise God for His answer of, “No!” Praise God for His pruning! As much as I miss holding him, kissing him, and just being his mommy, I thank God even more for His breaking me to build me! I still remember that last kiss on his still warm skin, his feet, his hands, his ears! My lips tingle as I relish the memory! 

Had He not allowed me to be broken, I would not have been able to weather the many storms of life that have touched my life throughout the years! I would not have been able to help my friends who have lost little ones to stand and smile again! He built me up from the pieces that were broken! He made me into a woman of God that is sure of her faith in the Lord and who is more than happy to share Jesus with those she meet along the way!

He had to break me to build in me a sure foundation for the fortification of the word of God within me!

HE HAD TO BREAK ME TO BUILD ME! THANK YOU, LORD!

Dedicated to my son, Antwan Chavez Terrell, II.



Happy birthday, my love! Mommy is looking forward to seeing you again in Heaven some day!!!