He Had to Break me to Build Me

I have told the story many times of losing a baby boy. And I don’t tell the story for pity or for “I’m sorry.” I tell the story because this is the point in my life that caused me to look up and allow God to use me for His glory! This is the part of my life that saved me from sure destruction. I can’t praise God, without allowing myself to think back to the day that my life changed forever thus creating in me a faith that is now unbreakable!

 

There was a time in life when I thought that it was all about the friends, hanging out, partying and having a good time. I was in church every Sunday and Wednesday, faithfully, but there was no substance in my shout. I went only because I knew that was what I was supposed to do. I was doing what my step mother used to call, “playing church.”  I thought I was getting by with my sin, yet, I knew full well that all that I was doing was against God’s will.

Then one day, I found out that I was pregnant out of wedlock. I was devastated and afraid. “How could this happen to me?” I felt like I was caught in my sin! I was embarrassed, and I no longer wanted to go to church, but I went.

My then boyfriend (Antwan Terrell) and I got married and we knew that we were in for a rude awakening, but we were in it for the long haul. We didn't want the baby to grow up without having both of us in the household.

Approximately one and a half month after we were married, I suddenly went into labor, had a son and he passed away 7 1/2 hours after his birth. What a heartbreaking day that was! What a anesthetizing feeling it was to have to plan the funeral of my newborn son! What an unrealistic scene I was experiencing as I sat at the graveside and watched them lower his little wooden box into the ground. “My precious baby!” was all I could mutter! I was not ready for the pain that would ensue the days and months following his death! I was not ready for the heartache that felt as if it would rip my heart out and tear my soul asunder! I was not ready for the sleepless nights that caused me to relive every moment of his birth and burial!

 “God had done this to me!”

“What kind of God could give me something so precious only to snatch it away?”

I was broken!

For a year, I cried at the drop of a hat! I could not see a baby without crying! I avoided the baby section in the store altogether! I was delirious with anger! I felt like life was sucking the air out of me!

I finally got tired of just feeling the pain after a good laugh with a friend one day! I couldn't believe that it felt so good to laugh! I said to myself, “Either you’re going to learn to “laugh” through it or die in it!” I decided to “LAUGH” THROUGH IT! I started going to ladies ministry events! I started visiting friends, again! I made an effort to do fun things!  I LAUGHED, AGAIN and AGAIN! (and I laughed loudly and I continue to laugh loudly)

I began to go to every women’s event I could! I learned so much and I loved so much! My sisters in Christ became my family! During this time a bond was developed! I started to study the word hard and apply it and I started to understand how it applied to my life! I started to not only teach at work, but I started to teach the women’s classes! This was a BIG step for me! I fell in love with teaching the women and dealing with our issues. It brought and it brings such comfort! I love to see the women of the church thirsting after righteousness! I love to help us to get through whatever it is we are dealing with!

Believe it or not, it has been 20 years TODAY and there is still a part of my heart that is missing! But, as I said in my last post, “God Answered, NO!” I praise God for His answer of, “No!” Praise God for His pruning! As much as I miss holding him, kissing him, and just being his mommy, I thank God even more for His breaking me to build me! I still remember that last kiss on his still warm skin, his feet, his hands, his ears! My lips tingle as I relish the memory! 

Had He not allowed me to be broken, I would not have been able to weather the many storms of life that have touched my life throughout the years! I would not have been able to help my friends who have lost little ones to stand and smile again! He built me up from the pieces that were broken! He made me into a woman of God that is sure of her faith in the Lord and who is more than happy to share Jesus with those she meet along the way!

He had to break me to build in me a sure foundation for the fortification of the word of God within me!

HE HAD TO BREAK ME TO BUILD ME! THANK YOU, LORD!

Dedicated to my son, Antwan Chavez Terrell, II.



Happy birthday, my love! Mommy is looking forward to seeing you again in Heaven some day!!!

God Answered, "No"

How do you move on after you've prayed for something so hard and God answers, “no” to your request? I have been faced with that reality several times in the past, but more so, most recently with the death of my friend and sister, Veronica Turner. I realized that after her death that I had not actually thought that she would die. I just knew that God would answer my prayer to heal her body in order that she could remain here with us and especially for her daughter. But His answer was much different than I had anticipated. He took her to be with Him, where she would not have to deal with this cruel world any longer.

The last time I remember praying so fervently was when I had my first born son. I prayed so hard that he would be OK after his delivery, that I actually had no thought that he would actually not survive even though the reality of his critical condition was clear. It was like everyone around me understood the inevitable, while I was living in a fantasy. I knew my baby would be fine, but when God answered “no” and took my baby boy to Heaven to be with Him, I was heartbroken and angry with God for all of a sudden turning His back on me and doing other than what I had requested of Him. It was like a cruel joke that I was not ready to receive.

Have you ever truly had faith in God about a situation and His answer turned out to be something other than what you prayed for? It is truly hard to accept His answer even though you know that God knows what He is doing. After the shock wears off and you start to come to terms with what has taken place, you begin to realize that more than likely, your prayer was selfish. This is how I see my past prayers. I wanted my sister/ friend to stay here so that I would be happy and not have to go through the pain. I never considered all of the pain that she would have to go through in order just to live. Even with my baby, he was so early; he would have had a difficult, painful life, at best. It is no wonder God didn't listen to me. I am just a mere human who looks at things completely differently than God looks at things. I am so glad that He is God and He makes no mistakes. I am so glad that He alone makes those tough decisions.

Even though it is tough living without them, I know God has created in me a strength to endure these painful times. He has taught me about endurance and given me a special ability to help others through such trials of life. Without these types of situations in life, I would not be equipped to help another sister along life’s journey. I am who I am today because of God’s No’s. God’s No’s have developed character in a number of us! We have learned that we can make it through a lot more than we thought we could before His answer of No.

God, thank you for saying, “No,” to me. It has created a faith in You and Your Heart within me that would have never been developed without You having said, “No.” Your grace is sufficient!

Missing My Sister!

 

On last week, I lost a sister and a friend. She was to me, what I hope to be to all of those I meet along the way. She showed more integrity, love, and faith than we do in our health. Even during her health struggles, she prayed for those who were also struggling in different situations and she prayed with those who needed her comforting words. She was what I called a true woman of God.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about being sisters, not knowing that I would be sitting here this week writing about a sister who meant all of those words to me.

Veronica, here’s to you! Happy Valentine’s Day! I love you and I miss you, my sister! Rest in peace and save the mansion next door for me! We will have a lot of catching up to do!

Sister, Sister

When I say the word “sister,” what is your first thought? Is your thought of a sister that you grew up with at your parents’ house, is it your closest friends, or is it the women all over the world who are members of the blood bought institution of Christ? The word “sister” can mean so much to different people. 

When thinking about those who are your sisters by blood, we have fond memories of growing up, getting into trouble together, sharing special times of happiness and sadness, and just being there for each other. This relationship is no doubt special, but this relationship can take you no further than the grave. But a relationship with a sister in Christ can mean that and so much more. A sister in Christ is someone with whom you can share your deepest hurts, your greatest joys, and even the sinful nature of your old self and you can expect her to have your back and help you to make that change in your life through prayer and supplication and heart to heart talks! This sister will meet you in Heaven someday!

I know that I am so happy to have my sisters there for me when I just need a good laugh or when I need to cry! There is no one in the world like a sister. I praise God that I can share this same relationship with my blood sisters and my daughters. It is so beautiful to be able to share in Jesus with people who I have shared my life with and people whom I have given life to. God has provided us with a special bond that no one, not even the grave can take away. Isn’t it wonderful to have women of God, who are also blood relatives, in our lives?

It is so important to keep the doors of communication open with your sister and it is equally important to make sure that when a sister does come to you and share something, that you are not so judgmental that you forget, “¹¹ And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:11) It is important to let her know that you understand and you want to help her.

Praise God for my sisters who continued to help me to make right decisions and those who knew I was in sin, yet never looked down on me, but encouraged me to good works by inviting me to feed the hungry, help with the children’s Bible class, or inviting me over for the evening to keep me out of trouble. Have you invited a young sister over to your home lately? She just might need that intimate time with you, her sister, to help to stir her to good works.

Have you told a sister that you love her today? Have you given an “I really love you, girl!” hug to a sister, lately? It feels so good and so right! Praise God for sisters by blood, in Christ, or double sisters, as I call them!!! Think about where your life would be if they were not in it! Can you imagine that? I can’t!

Add the name of special sisters in your life below and pray for her. Each time a new name is added, please pray for all the sisters mentioned above by calling them by name. We want to pile on a portion of spiritual blessings on these sisters that they can’t even explain!

Love you all!

Audaciously Working in the Kingdom!