The Package

When Antwan and I got married I was pregnant. We had simply gotten the cart before the horse as my godfather said. We got married in January of 1998 and in March we had a son who was born weeks too early. When he was born, I just knew that God was going to heal his body and he would be OK? I had been taught that if I prayed and asked God anything that He would do, because the Bible says, in John 14:13-14 ¹³ And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.¹⁴ If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it. And I prayed ya’ll, I prayed harder than I had ever prayed before. I really did not have a thought that God had other ideas about what to do with this little angel that He had given to me. He was born early one Monday morning around 9:00 AM. They immediately rushed him to NICU where they stabilized him. We were told that he was really small and that babies that small usually don’t make it, but I didn’t have any doubt in my mind that God would come through for me, after all, I was His baby girl, Tangelia. We were allowed to see him at about 10:00 AM and sure enough, he was very small, but for some reason, I did not worry. I rested for most of the afternoon as I continued to get updates about his progress and Antwan went down to the NICU and stayed with him there. Later that day, they brought him to me and he died in my arms.

My time in God’s waiting room starts here. I was in so much pain, I couldn't think straight. I wanted to die. I was so angry with God. I just couldn't understand why He had not answered my prayer. I just couldn't understand why He had given us something so precious, just to snatch it back and taunt us. This God that professed to love me just couldn’t love me, if He did something like this. I wondered if my sin had taken my child away. I wondered if it was something that I had done that had taken my child away. This just could not be right!

Ah, the waiting room of bereavement. When would this pain end? My pain turned into an obsession with getting pregnant again. I couldn’t be around babies without crying. My heart hurt so badly. I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to die!

 But God in His infinite wisdom knew what He was doing. He knew that I needed this to strengthen me, to fortify me. I hated the process with all of my being. But my God knew that this was the only way that He was going to get my attention. He wanted me and all of me. I was only giving Him Sundays and Wednesday nights.
He had continued to send me little letters, but I was not opening my mail. God decided to send me a package that I could not ignore. This package was extremely difficult to carry and hard to open, but once it was opened, it couldn’t be resealed. I had to accept what was inside and use it to benefit my life. It took me some time, but I finally came to terms with what had happened in my life. I decided that I could continue to wallow in my misery or I could use it to glorify God and His goodness. As I made a feeble attempt to study His word for the first time in a year and apply it to my life I could see things slowly start to shift.

Today and every day, I praise him for that precious little package He sent to Antwan and me 15 years ago. That package is still a part of my life every day. That package changed me for the better. It caused me to grow and to learn to lean and depend on God for all of my needs. I learned to center my life on prayer and thanksgiving to God our Father. I am who I am this day because of the package that left too soon. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be buffeted for the sake of your Kingdom. I praise you for your wisdom and I magnify your name! Because of who you are I give you glory!